If someone you live with or are close to is hurting you, controlling you, or making you afraid, you are not overreacting, and this is not your fault, no matter what they've told you or how it started. Domestic violence and abuse can be physical, but it doesn't have to be to be real: it can also look like constant put-downs, threats, controlling your money or your phone, monitoring where you go, forcing or pressuring you into sex, or isolating you from friends and family until they feel like your only option. Abuse tends to follow a pattern, sometimes with an escalating "tension, incident, honeymoon" cycle, and it is rarely a single argument that got out of hand. You deserve to feel safe in your own home and your own relationships, and real, confidential help exists, whether or not you're ready to leave, tell anyone, or make any decision at all right now.
Recognizing Abuse
Abuse is about one person gaining and keeping power and control over another. It can include:
- Physical abuse: hitting, shoving, choking, restraining, throwing things, or any use of physical force against you.
- Emotional and verbal abuse: constant criticism, humiliation (in private or in front of others), name-calling, threats to hurt you, themselves, your children, or your pets, or making you feel like you're "crazy" or constantly in the wrong.
- Coercive control and isolation: monitoring your phone, email, or location; controlling who you see or talk to; demanding to know where you are at all times; cutting you off from friends, family, or income.
- Financial abuse: controlling all the money, preventing you from working or keeping a job, running up debt in your name, or giving you an "allowance" and demanding to account for every expense.
- Sexual abuse: pressuring or forcing sexual activity, or punishing you for saying no.
You don't need bruises, and you don't need to be married to the person, for this to count as domestic violence or abuse. It can happen in dating relationships, marriages, between family members, and in any gender combination.
If You're in Danger Right Now
If you are in immediate physical danger, use the emergency numbers in the banner above, or get to a safe, public place if you can. Beyond general emergency services, hotlines staffed specifically by domestic-violence advocates can help you think through safety, options, and next steps, day or night, for free, and without pressuring you toward any particular decision:
- The National Domestic Violence Hotline (US) - call 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. Free, confidential, 24/7. thehotline.org
- loveisrespect (US, for dating relationships, including teens and young adults) - call 1-866-331-9474, or text LOVEIS to 22522. loveisrespect.org
- National Domestic Abuse Helpline (UK, run by Refuge) - call 0808 2000 247, free and confidential, 24/7. nationaldahelpline.org.uk
- Outside the US/UK: findahelpline.com lists domestic-violence and general crisis helplines by country.
A Note on Digital Safety
If someone controlling you has access to your phone, computer, email, or accounts, they may be able to see your browsing history, messages, or location, even if you delete things afterward. Some practical steps, if it's safe for you to take them:
- If possible, use a device the person doesn't have access to: a library or work computer, a trusted friend's phone, or a device bought separately that they don't know about.
- Clearing your browser history alone can sometimes look suspicious if someone is already watching closely; using a private/incognito browsing window from the start avoids leaving a new history entry in the first place, though it isn't a complete guarantee of privacy on a shared or monitored device.
- Be aware of location sharing through shared family phone plans, "find my phone" features, smart-home devices, or a tracker hidden in a bag, car, or coat.
- The button in the corner of this page ("Quick Exit") will immediately take you to Google and replace this page in your browser history. It's a small safety measure, not a guarantee, so it's still worth knowing how to quickly switch windows or tabs on your own device.
- Hotline advocates (numbers above) are specifically trained in digital-safety planning and can talk through what's realistic and safest in your specific situation.
Thinking About Leaving, Safely
Leaving an abusive relationship is often the most dangerous point, since it can be experienced by the abuser as a loss of control. This doesn't mean you shouldn't leave. It means it's worth planning with support rather than alone whenever that's possible. Domestic-violence hotline advocates (numbers above) do this kind of planning every day, for free and confidentially, and can help you think through things like:
- A safe place to go: a friend, family member, or a local shelter (hotlines can help you find one near you).
- Keeping copies of important documents (ID, passport, financial records) and a small amount of money somewhere the person can't access.
- A trusted person and a simple code word or signal you can use if you need help quickly, without saying so directly.
- Whether a protective or restraining order makes sense for your situation, and how local family or civil courts handle that.
The Safety Plan tool on this site is a general-purpose crisis safety plan; it can be a useful starting point, but for abuse specifically, a hotline advocate can help you build a plan tailored to your exact circumstances, including how and when it's safest to leave.
Supporting Someone You Think Is Being Abused
If you're worried about someone else, believe them, tell them it's not their fault, and avoid ultimatums or judgment about why they haven't left; there are often real, serious reasons, including fear of escalation, finances, children, immigration status, or simply still loving the person and hoping things change. Offer specific, concrete help (a place to stay, a phone to use, going with them to get information) rather than pressure, and let them make their own decisions at their own pace. The Supporting Someone page has more general guidance on being there for someone without taking over.
Where to Go for More
- The National Domestic Violence Hotline - US-based, 24/7, free, confidential call/text/chat support and safety planning.
- loveisrespect - US-based support specifically for young people in dating relationships.
- National Domestic Abuse Helpline (UK) - run by the charity Refuge, free and confidential, 24/7.
- Find A Helpline - an international directory to find crisis and domestic-violence helplines by country.
These are general starting points, not legal or clinical advice. If you are in immediate danger, please use the crisis resources above or your local emergency number.