Flying Monkeys

"Flying monkeys" is a term — borrowed from the winged henchmen who did the Wicked Witch's bidding in The Wizard of Oz — used to describe people who are recruited, knowingly or not, to carry out a narcissistic or abusive person's agenda. They might spread rumors, pressure you to reconcile, or repeat a false version of events, all while believing they're just being a good friend or family member. Recognizing this pattern can help you stop taking the bait personally and start protecting your energy.

What Are Flying Monkeys?

Flying monkeys are third parties — friends, relatives, coworkers, even mutual acquaintances — who get pulled into an abusive or narcissistic person's orbit and end up doing their "dirty work." Some genuinely believe the narcissist's version of events and act out of misplaced loyalty. Others are victims themselves, manipulated or coerced into participating. And some simply don't care about the harm they cause, enjoying the drama or the sense of being on the "winning" side. Whatever the motivation, the effect on the target is the same: isolation, confusion, and the exhausting feeling of being ganged up on.

Signs You Might Be Dealing With a Flying Monkey

• Someone repeats specific phrases or "facts" about you that sound suspiciously like the narcissist's talking points rather than their own observations.
• A relative or mutual friend pressures you to "just apologize" or "let it go" without knowing — or asking about — the full story.
• You notice a pattern of family members or friends suddenly going quiet, taking sides, or distancing themselves after spending time with the other person.
• Someone shares private information you told them in confidence, and it later gets used against you.
• You feel like you're being watched or reported on, with your words or actions getting back to the narcissist in a distorted form.

A Few Things You Can Try Today

• Remind yourself that a flying monkey's behavior is about their relationship to the narcissist, not evidence that you're actually in the wrong.
• Limit how much personal information you share with people who seem closely aligned with the person causing harm, even if they're family.
• Practice calm, minimal responses instead of defending yourself point by point. A Grey Rock Method resource can help you stay unreactive when someone tries to provoke or bait you.
• Decide in advance what you will and won't discuss with go-betweens. A Boundary Setting resource can help you hold that line calmly and consistently.

When to Seek Professional Help

Consider reaching out to a therapist or counselor if you're feeling isolated from people you used to trust, if you're constantly replaying conversations to figure out who said what, or if the stress of managing multiple relationships around one difficult person is affecting your sleep, mood, or work. A therapist familiar with narcissistic abuse dynamics can help you sort out which relationships are worth repairing and which ones need firmer boundaries.

Where to Go for More

• Psychology Today: Interview With a Former Flying Monkey - A firsthand account of what it's like to be recruited into a narcissist's smear campaign, and why.
• CPTSD Foundation: How Covert Narcissists Use Flying Monkeys - How flying monkeys contribute to family estrangement and trauma, with steps for finding support.
• Laura K. Connell: What Are Flying Monkeys and How to Deal With Them - Practical guidance on setting boundaries and responding to flying monkeys.